When “Happy” New Year Just Doesn’t Fit.
About a year ago, my partner Jessica wrote about the realities of working in an elder law practice. (See “A Less Shiny Year in Review.”) It seems to be a theme at the close of the year that for us, when others are wishing “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” and “Happy New Year,” we spend our time thinking about the clients we work with, and the people we care about, who are not feeling happy or merry.
Maybe it is because this time of year is the busiest for us by far. And unfortunately, it is not “good busy.” It is busy because people who have spent time with aging parents at the holidays realize there has been a change for the worse, and need help figuring out what legal steps have to be taken. It is busy because people who (we anecdotally believe, based on years of the same thing happening over and over) hung on to see family one more time, have passed away. We get more calls this time of year than any other. Few of them bear good news for our clients. We are grateful that people choose us to guide them through some of the worst times of their lives, but we are never happy to get those calls.
As cards and gifts come in, and people wish “Happy Holidays!” we think of what those close to us through work or personal connection have had to face that may make them feel not merry, not happy. And we worry about how to let them know they are felt and respected in a season of celebration.
How do you say Happy New Year to someone who lost their wife of many years this year? Well, the answer is, you don’t. It won’t be happy. And maybe, saying goodbye to this year means letting go of the last year they spent with their loved one on this earth. And that is not something that makes them “happy.” Another letting go, when they didn’t want to let go in the first place.
How do you navigate the celebrations for a spouse spending their first holidays in a care facility? How do you talk about New Year’s resolutions with someone who is facing a terminal illness? It’s tempting to say nothing, because we are stumped for words. But that doesn’t work either.
It’s a good time to say, “I’m thinking of you. This must be a difficult time to go through.” It’s a good time to say, “We would love it if you felt like joining us. Your grief is welcome too. We don’t expect you to feel like celebrating. And you don’t need to give us a firm answer. If it feels right at the moment, then we would love to see you.” It’s a good time to be flexible with the plans you make, to meet the needs of a grieving loved one. Scrap the party and head to their house with some takeout, just to be there. Let a grieving person know they are in your thoughts. It’s a good time to invite someone to chat about the person they lost. It’s a good time just to sit together. It’s a good time to accept and embrace their feelings, even if they are far from “merry.”
It’s a good time to allow someone to not be happy that they are not at home anymore. It’s a good time to be honest if the person says it is not the same. It’s not. When someone says they want to go home, it’s a good time not to dismiss that feeling. Talk about memories, favorite things, favorite times. What they miss. Maybe you miss it too. It’s ok to wish things were different from what they are.
Let people grieve. Let people cry. Cry with them. Hug them. Listen. Don’t expect happy. Don’t expect merry. Hope to give love, hope to give comfort. And silently wish peace and happiness for them in another year. We do, every year.
